Vampires Suck

In the late 2000s, you couldn't throw a stone without hitting a "Team Edward" or "Team Jacob" button pinned to a Hot Topic backpack. The Twilight Saga wasn't just a film franchise; it was a monocultural fog that rolled in and refused to dissipate. Naturally, the parody industrial complex—led by the ubiquitous duo Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer—smelled blood in the water. I watched Vampires Suck recently on a laptop with a cracked screen while eating a lukewarm Grilled Stuft Burrito from Taco Bell, and honestly, the burrito had more structural integrity than the screenplay. Yet, looking back at this 2010 relic offers a fascinating, if occasionally painful, glimpse into a very specific moment in pop culture history.

The Art of the Impression

If there is any reason to watch this film today, it’s Jenn Proske. Making her film debut as Becca Crane, Proske does something that the rest of the movie doesn't bother with: she actually puts in the work. Her parody of Kristen Stewart isn't just a mean-spirited caricature; it’s a surgically precise deconstruction of every hair-tuck, lip-bite, and stuttering exhale Stewart utilized in the early Twilight films. Watching her work is like seeing a high-level impressionist stuck in a community theater production of a joke book found in a doctor’s waiting room.

The rest of the cast is equally game, even if the material is beneath them. Matt Lanter, coming off the CW’s 90210 reboot, plays Edward Sullen with a permanent "smelling a fart" expression that perfectly mocks Robert Pattinson’s brooding intensity. Chris Riggi as Jacob White spends most of the film shirtless, mocking the blatant fanservice of the original films, while Diedrich Bader brings some much-needed veteran comedic timing as Becca’s overprotective father. Even Ken Jeong pops up as Daro (the Aro stand-in), because in 2010, it was legally required for Ken Jeong to appear in every third comedy released.

A Time Capsule of Cringe

The biggest hurdle for a modern viewer is the sheer density of dated references. Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer built their careers on "rapid-fire" humor, but their definition of a joke is often just "referencing a thing that exists." In the span of 82 minutes, we get gags involving Lady Gaga, the Black Eyed Peas, Jersey Shore, and Tiger Woods. At the time, these were the low-hanging fruit of the tabloid cycle; today, they make the film feel like a cinematic fever dream sponsored by a 2010 Claire’s clearance rack.

This was the era of the "unrated" DVD release, where studios would pack an extra three minutes of footage into a "Too Fast for Theaters" edition to entice teenagers at Best Buy. Vampires Suck feels like it was edited specifically for that format—choppy, reliant on slapstick, and about as subtle as a brick to the forehead. The CGI, particularly the wolf transformations, is intentionally (and sometimes unintentionally) terrible, reflecting that awkward transitional period where digital effects were becoming cheap enough for low-budget parodies but weren't quite convincing enough to be anything but a punchline.

The Last Gasp of the Parody Boom

Looking back, Vampires Suck represents the beginning of the end for the "Movie Movie" subgenre. Before the MCU formula took over Hollywood and before memes became the primary way we processed pop culture, these films were the town criers of irony. But by 2010, the internet was already moving faster than the production cycle of a feature film. By the time this hit theaters, the Twilight jokes had already been told better and faster on Twitter and YouTube.

Still, there’s a weird comfort in its stupidity. It’s a film that knows exactly what it is. It isn't trying to be Young Frankenstein or Airplane!; it’s trying to make a quick buck off a cultural phenomenon that was ripe for a roasting. While many of the jokes land with a dull thud, the film’s commitment to its own zaniness—like a pack of werewolves breaking into a choreographed dance to "It's Raining Men"—reminds us of a time when comedies weren't afraid to look absolutely pathetic for a cheap laugh. It's not a "good" movie by any traditional metric, but as a piece of archaeological evidence from the peak of the YA dystopia era, it’s oddly indispensable.

Ultimately, Vampires Suck is a movie that functions best as a nostalgic "Remember Some Guys" session for the year 2010. It’s a loud, messy, and frequently groan-inducing parody that somehow managed to out-earn several "prestige" films at the box office that year. While the humor hasn't aged particularly well, Jenn Proske’s performance remains a masterclass in mimicry. If you have 82 minutes to kill and a high tolerance for Lady Gaga jokes, it’s a harmless trip down a very glittery memory lane. Just don’t expect it to stay with you any longer than the taste of a fast-food burrito.