Baywatch

The 2017 cinematic reboot of Baywatch begins with a sequence that tells you exactly what kind of movie you’re in for: Dwayne Johnson dives into the surf to save a kite-surfer, and as he emerges from the water, the film’s title literally rises out of the ocean behind him in giant, golden letters. It is loud, it is unsubtle, and it is drenched in more testosterone and self-awareness than a CrossFit gym located inside a comedy club.

I watched this movie while wearing a pair of novelty sunglasses I found in a supermarket parking lot, and the slight amber tint actually made the CGI fire on the burning boat look significantly more realistic than it probably was. But that’s the Baywatch experience in a nutshell. It’s a film that knows it’s a glossy, expensive update of a show everyone watched for the swimsuits, yet it tries desperately to be an R-rated action-comedy in the vein of 21 Jump Street. It doesn't quite reach those heights, but as a piece of "Contemporary Cinema" designed for the streaming-and-chill era, it’s a fascinating, glistening mess.

The Rock vs. The Rebel

At the center of the surf is the chemistry between Dwayne Johnson (Mitch Buchannon) and Zac Efron (Matt Brody). Johnson is doing his usual "Charismatic Concrete Wall" routine, playing Mitch as a man who takes lifeguarding with the seriousness of a Joint Chiefs of Staff meeting. He doesn't just watch the beach; he is the beach. Opposite him, Zac Efron plays a disgraced Olympic swimmer who is essentially a sentient six-pack with a chip on his shoulder.

The banter between the two is where the film finds its pulse. Mitch refuses to call Brody by his actual name, instead cycling through a series of "boy band" insults—High School Musical, Justin Bieber, One Direction. It’s low-hanging fruit, sure, but Efron’s commitment to playing a total douchebag who is also incredibly pathetic is the movie's secret weapon. He’s spent the last decade proving he’s a gifted physical comedian, and here, he leans into the absurdity of his own physique.

The rest of the squad, including Alexandra Daddario as Summer and Kelly Rohrbach as CJ, are mostly there to provide the required slow-motion running sequences. It’s a bit of a missed opportunity, especially with Ilfenesh Hadera, who plays the most competent member of the team but is often sidelined so the boys can bicker about who has the better ego.

Practical Rescues and Digital Disasters

Director Seth Gordon (of Horrible Bosses fame) attempts to balance the raunchy humor with genuine action set-pieces, and the results are... mixed. The opening rescue is actually a well-choreographed piece of stunts-and-splashes, highlighting the physical reality of what these actors (and their stunt doubles) are doing. You can feel the weight of the water and the genuine athleticism required.

However, as the film progresses into its "Crime" genre territory involving a drug-running plot by the villainous Victoria Leeds—played with deliciously icy menace by Priyanka Chopra Jonas—the action gets a bit untethered. There is a boat explosion in the second act that features some of the most questionable CGI in a $69 million movie. It’s that weird, rubbery digital fire that plagued many mid-2010s blockbusters. It’s a shame because when the film sticks to the "Action" of lifeguarding—the jet ski chases and the surf rescues—it feels grounded. When it tries to be a Bond movie with more dick jokes, it starts to drift out to sea. This movie is basically a 116-minute commercial for baby oil and creatine, and while it looks expensive, it occasionally feels like it was edited in a blender.

The Cult of the Slow-Mo

Despite a lukewarm critical reception and a box office run that was "fine" rather than "franchise-starting," Baywatch has found a weird second life. It’s the ultimate "I’m bored on a Tuesday" movie. It even won a Razzie for "The Special Cinematic Recognition" award (essentially the "So Bad You Loved It" prize), which is a badge of honor in the cult film world.

The behind-the-scenes trivia adds to the charm. Did you know Priyanka Chopra Jonas’s role was originally written for a man? She brought a level of sophisticated villainy that the film honestly didn't deserve. Then there’s the physical toll: Zac Efron reportedly went on a diet so restrictive (zero carbs or sugar for months) that he looked like an anatomy poster. He later admitted the regimen was borderline dangerous, which puts a bit of a dark tint on those glistening beach scenes.

And, of course, the cameos. David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson both show up, though Anderson’s appearance is so brief and wordless it feels like she was edited in from a different dimension. Apparently, she was initially reluctant to join, and you can see that hesitation in the final cut. It’s these oddities—the clash of 90s nostalgia with 2017 "Edgelord" humor—that make it a cult curiosity.

If you go into Baywatch expecting a biting satire of 90s television, you’ll be disappointed. It’s not as smart as 21 Jump Street or as tight as The Other Guys. But if you’re looking for a movie where the actors are clearly having a better time than the audience, it’s a fun ride. It’s a sun-drenched, over-the-top relic of an era when Hollywood thought every old IP could be "fixed" with R-rated jokes and a bigger budget. Put it on, turn your brain to "low tide," and enjoy the view.