Madame Web

If you’ve spent more than five minutes on the internet in 2024, you’ve heard the legend: "He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders right before she died." It was the line heard 'round the world—except, in a move of pure cinematic chaos, it’s not actually in the movie. That’s the first hint that Madame Web isn't just a film; it’s a glitch in the superhero matrix, a bizarrely fascinating relic that feels like it was unearthed from a 2003 time capsule and polished with modern-day confusion.

I watched this while my cat, Ziggy, kept trying to bat at the glowing "vision" lines on my screen, and honestly, his confusion mirrored my own. But here’s the thing: in an era of hyper-polished, formulaic MCU entries that feel like they were written by a board of directors, there is something deeply, strangely refreshing about a movie this unapologetically clunky. It’s the ultimate "hangout" movie for people who miss the era of Catwoman or Daredevil (2003), where the stakes were low, the product placement was loud, and the logic was optional.

A Paramedic’s Vision of the Past

We meet Cassandra Webb, played by Dakota Johnson with a level of "I’d rather be at a farmers market" energy that I found genuinely captivating. She’s a paramedic in 2003 Manhattan—a setting the film establishes by screaming "LOOK, A PEPSI SIGN!" and "HEY, REMEMBER THE TOYS 'R' US IN TIMES SQUARE?" every five minutes. After a near-death experience, Cassie starts seeing fragments of the future. It’s not quite Doctor Strange; it’s more like a supernatural version of Final Destination, if the "Death" chasing you was a guy in a knock-off Spider-Man suit who hates teenagers.

The plot kicks in when Cassie has to protect three future Spider-Women—Sydney Sweeney as the shy Julia, Isabela Merced as the tough Anya, and Celeste O'Connor as the rebellious Mattie—from Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim). Tahar Rahim is a brilliant actor (seriously, go watch A Prophet), but here, he is the victim of some of the most spectacularly bad voice dubbing in modern history. Half of his lines feel like they were recorded over a Zoom call three weeks before the premiere, with his mouth clearly moving to entirely different words. It adds to the film's dreamlike, "is this actually happening?" quality.

The Best Accidental Comedy of the Decade

Director S.J. Clarkson, who did great work on Jessica Jones and Succession, seems to be fighting a script that wants to be three different movies at once. Is it a gritty thriller? A teen comedy? A prequel to a movie that will probably never exist? The action choreography is less about "superheroics" and more about Cassie hitting people with a stolen taxi. There are no capes here—mostly just hoodies and flannel. In fact, the much-advertised superhero costumes only appear in "vision" sequences that last about thirty seconds total.

Surprisingly, the chemistry between the four leads actually works. Dakota Johnson treats the teenagers like annoying coworkers she’s been forced to carpool with, and their banter provides the few intentional laughs in the script. When they’re hiding out in a forest or eating at a diner, you almost forget this is supposed to be a high-stakes Marvel-adjacent blockbuster. It feels like a weird indie road trip movie that accidentally stumbled onto a Sony soundstage.

Stuff You Might Have Missed

The production of Madame Web is a goldmine for trivia lovers who enjoy a bit of "how did this get made?" energy. For starters, the film was shot largely in Boston standing in for New York, which explains why the geography of the "Manhattan" streets feels a bit... off.

Then there’s the curious case of the missing Spider-Man. Early rumors and set photos suggested a much stronger tie to Peter Parker’s lore (hence the 2003 setting), but those connections feel like they were surgically removed in the editing room, leaving only a few vague hints about a baby being born and a character named Ben (played by Adam Scott) who is definitely, totally just a regular paramedic.

The most iconic bit of trivia, though, is the press tour. Dakota Johnson basically became a folk hero for her dry, brutally honest interviews where she admitted she hadn't even seen the movie yet. That level of transparency is rare in the "franchise dominance" era, and it only added to the film's growing cult status as a camp classic. Even the cinematography by Mauro Fiore (who won an Oscar for Avatar!) uses these disorienting Dutch angles and rapid zooms that make you feel like you’re having a low-grade fever dream.

Look, I can’t tell you this is a "good" movie in the traditional sense. It’s messy, the villain is a vacuum of charisma, and the dialogue sounds like it was translated into five different languages and back again before filming. But I can tell you that I had more fun watching this than I did with the last three generic superhero sequels I’ve sat through. It’s an oddity—a weird, stubborn piece of cinema that doesn't care about your "shared universe" expectations. If you grab a few friends and a large bucket of popcorn, Madame Web is a top-tier night of ironic enjoyment. Just don't expect to learn much about spiders in the Amazon.