Almost Cops

The siren doesn't sound the same in Rotterdam as it does in Los Angeles. It’s a bit more insistent, a bit more industrial, and in the case of Almost Cops, it usually signals that something is about to go hilariously, expensively wrong. I settled into this one on a Tuesday night with a bag of slightly stale paprika chips—the kind that leaves your fingers permanently orange—and realized about twenty minutes in that I was having significantly more fun than the "serious" critics might allow.

We’ve seen the "odd couple" police dynamic since the dawn of the celluloid precinct, but director Gonzalo Fernandez Carmona (who handled The Takeover) manages to squeeze some fresh juice out of the citrus by leaning into the specific, gritty-meets-modern energy of the Netherlands’ second city. The premise is a familiar comfort food: Ramon (Jandino Asporaat), a community officer with enough misplaced enthusiasm to power a small wind farm, is paired with Jack (Werner Kolf), a disgraced ex-detective who treats "procedure" like a suggestion written in a language he doesn't speak.

The Chaos of the Maas

What struck me first wasn’t the jokes—though Jandino Asporaat is, as always, a human whirlwind of physical comedy—but the scale of the production. For a long time, Dutch action-comedies felt a bit like they were filmed in a backyard with a borrowed GoPro. Not here. Thanks to Jandino's own production house, Het huis van Asporaat, and Kaap Holland Film, the movie looks remarkably polished. The cinematography by Gregg Telussa captures Rotterdam’s Erasmus Bridge and the sprawling harbor with a slickness that rivals mid-budget Hollywood fare.

The action choreography actually has some teeth. There’s a chase sequence early on that involves a delivery scooter and a level of property damage that would make a maritime insurer weep. It’s not just empty spectacle, though; it’s built around the friction between the two leads. Werner Kolf, who I last saw bringing a much moodier gravity to projects like Wolf, plays the "straight man" with a weary, bloodshot eye that makes Jandino’s high-pitched antics land much better. He is the anchor that keeps the movie from floating off into pure slapstick.

Slapstick with a Side of Mystery

Of course, if you’ve followed Jandino Asporaat through his Bon Bini Holland empire, you know what you’re getting. He’s a performer who treats the concept of an 'indoor voice' as a personal insult. There are moments where the mugging for the camera gets a bit much, but in the context of a "community officer" trying to prove his worth, it mostly works. The script, co-written by Kenneth Asporaat and Thomas van der Ree, manages to weave a semi-coherent mystery involving Mark Rietman as the bureaucratic Richard van der Vloed, though let’s be honest: nobody is here for the intricate plotting.

The supporting cast helps ground the madness. Florence Vos Weeda and Juliette van Ardenne provide the necessary narrative guardrails, and Ferdi Stofmeel shows up to do what he does best—provide that specific brand of Dutch dry wit that balances out the more explosive comedic beats. There is a bit of "franchise thirst" here, where you can practically see the filmmakers checking boxes for a potential sequel, but it’s done with enough charm that I didn’t find myself rolling my eyes too hard.

A Modern Dutch Blockbuster

In this current streaming-dominated era, movies like Almost Cops occupy a strange space. It feels like a "theatrical event" for a local audience, a way to reclaim the multiplex from the endless cycle of Marvel and DC. It doesn't try to reinvent the wheel; it just wants to put some neon lights on the wheel and see how fast it can spin. The film is undeniably the cinematic equivalent of a Red Bull chugged at 3 AM, and while the crash is inevitable, the rush is genuine.

Is it a masterpiece of high cinema? No. It’s a loud, proud, and occasionally exhausting buddy-cop romp that knows exactly what its audience wants. It reflects a contemporary Dutch film industry that is becoming increasingly confident in its ability to produce slick, commercial entertainment that doesn't feel like a cheap imitation of American exports. It’s Rotterdam through a funhouse mirror, and as long as you aren’t expecting a deep meditation on the human condition, it’s a ride worth taking.

Ultimately, Almost Cops succeeds because it embraces its own absurdity. It’s a movie that understands that sometimes, the best way to solve a crime is to accidentally blow up a canal boat while arguing about lunch. If you’re looking for a breezy 95 minutes that prioritizes energy over elegance, Ramon and Jack are the partners you didn't know you needed. Just keep the paprika chips away from your white shirt while you watch.